"Unfortunately, it's not a movie, it's all real."

Pansexual hedonistHarry Francis (Gianni Dei) has been poisoned at his own drug-fueled orgy but Police Inspector Sanders (Tony Valente) soon discovers that none of the guests is willing to talk. The owner of the house - famous journalist, TV host, giallo author and photographer Bob Rawling (Saverio Vallone) - is eager to start his own parallel investigation. Once it's revealed that an 8mm film taken at the party could reveal the identity of the killer, people connected to the case start getting murdered by a masked assassin. Is Harry's murder connected to mafia drug trafficking? Can Bob reveal the killer's identity before it's too late?

Crimes (not to be confused with Crimes of the Black Cat) is awful on all fronts. Lazy writing and ponderous acting are compounded by uninspired visuals. And to wrap it in a bow, the filmmakers tacked on the most unimaginative title possible. There are times when characters are introduced, but we don't learn their names or relationships to each other until well into the movie. Two characters are introduced in the last five minutes of the film and don't even get the luxury of names. But the biggest flaw is in the editing. There's no sense of sequential storytelling, remarkably few establishing shots to help us orient ourselves and we're even denied a "big reveal" moment when the killer is unmasked - we just jump cut to an ending, with the Inspector explaining everything in a monologue. The incriminating film at the center of Crimes is reminiscent of the diary in Blood and Black Lace, so at least this movie chose its inspiration well.

• I've seen giallo victims killed by poison in a number of ways, but I think this is the first time a killer carries around a live snake and holds it up to the victim's neck.

• This movie was directed by Giovanna Lenzi, but it's unclear if she is any relation to director Umberto Lenzi. You may know Giovanna as an actress from her appearances in A... For Assassin and you may remember her as Susan, the mysterious woman in a white cape in the aforementioned Crimes of the Black Cat. She also plays the first victim's sister, Julie in this film.

• Three of the deaths listed above occurred during the lumber mill shootout.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

SPOILERS AHEAD

This movie takes up time to present not one but THREE prolonged and highly superfluous sex scenes, including Betty's (Michela Miti) elaborate striptease through three rooms of a house.

Also, this movie includes an act break with title cards:

Finally, Except for his corpse at the opening crime scene, we first meet Harry in a flashback, joking around with his sister, Marita (Laura Troshel). So it's a shock late in the movie when we suddenly cut to Harry in an apartment, dancing to records and chatting on the phone. What's going on? Who's flashback is this?

Turns out, it's not a flashback - Harry faked his death as an elaborate prank. An elaborate prank that led to the brutal deaths of eight other people. Nice job, jerk.

Also, please note that Harry is wearing a yellow shirt on a yellow couch against a yellow wall. This is the one and only time the art department got their act together to do something in service of the story.

By the way, it's never explained how Harry faked his emaciated, poisoned corpse at the beginning of the film. 

Fashion Moment:

As a wealthy heiress, Marita is the most put-together character in the movie.

But can you really call it an 80's movie if there isn't impractical, brightly colored spandex?

"Some things... take a bloody long time."

Criminology student Christina Marelli (Mariangela D'Abbraccio) is writing her thesis on "The Monster," a serial killer who has been terrorizing Florence for the past 12 years, shooting and stabbing couples who park in lovers lanes. Through her investigation, Christina meets the handsome young coroner Alex, with whom she starts a romantic relationship. As the murders continue, Christina dives into Florence's seedy underbelly and even consults a psychic medium. But could her investigation make her the next target? And is the killer, who seems to have precise knowledge of human anatomy, closer than she thinks?

The Killer is Still Among Us (not to be confused with The Killer is On the Phone) is based on the real-life  "Monster of Florence," a serial killer who operated between the late 60's and the late 80's, whose case wasn't solved until the early 2000's. It's an unusual giallo in that it follows many of the tropes of the genre while also breaking some of the the rules (to say more would spoil the unusual ending). Overall, it's an artfully-made, well-acted film with interesting surprises and a bit of gore towards the end. Plus, the screenplay was written by giallo's greatest talent, Ernesto Gastaldi. A nice surprise entry to the genre.

• Each of the victims except one is said to be both shot and stabbed. It's not clear which of those was fatal in each case, so I included both on the list above for each of those murders.

• Be warned that in the theatrical version, the last murder scene includes shots of the killer carving up his female victim, including some gruesome genital mutilation.

• There are actually two giallo films based on the Monster of Florence case, both released in 1986. The other is called The Monster of Florence (Il Mostro di Firenze) and appears to adhere closer to the actual facts of the case. I hope to find a copy to review for a future post. It's a very famous case and was also the basis of an Italian TV mini series and several documentary films.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

After seeing a mime bar in Dario Argento's Sleepless (look it up) I'm not at all surprised when this movie takes us to a voyeur's bar. The patrons of Taverna del Diavolo (The Devil's Pub) are all creeps who meet up to coordinate their efforts to spy on couples necking in the back seats of cars, often using high-tech listening devices.

Christina trails one of the peeping toms to his office where he has a dual practice as a gynecologist and psychiatrist. Imagine those student loan payments.

Fashion Moment:

Christina stands out early in the film when she wears this eyeball-searing read sweater.Later, she wears it with an equally vivid red jacket.

When we first meet Alex, he drops his yellow gloves into the garbage bin. Later at home, Christina finds his bloody gloves in the yellow kitchen pail. All subtle color clues meant to throw suspicion on Alex.

Also, let's take a moment to appreciate some of the lighting choices. When power goes out in Christina's apartment, the room goes dark, lit only be a flashing neon sign, much like in Blood and Black Lace.

Similarly, at the seance, the contrasting colors are reminiscent of Argento's Suspiria.

"Looking at this painting is like looking into the eyes of a long-forgotten ghost."

On the night artist Richard Streeb (Simeon Moni Damerski) premieres his new gallery exhibit of death-themed paintings, his wife, Gloria (Liz Haverty) watches helplessly as Richard is stabbed and dragged off by a masked killer. When Inspector Andez (Xavier Domingo) arrives, he declares that with no evidence of a crime - no body, no blood, no signs of struggle - there is no case. But Richard's brother, Bill (Joe Zaso), is determined to find the truth. As the killer strikes again, stealing one of Richard's paintings from each of his victims, Bill digs through his brother's past to find clues. Could the killer be the right-wing art critic from the local paper? Or Gloria's jealous lesbian maid? And could Bob and Gloria be the next victims?

Five Dead on the Crimson Canvas (not to be confused with The Red Queen Kills Seven Times), is a real head-scratcher. It's clearly intended to be an imitation of the classic era of late-70's giallo, but from moment to moment it seesaws between spot-on homage and amateurish dreck. The score is sometimes deeply atmospheric and sometimes obtrusive Casio-synth filler. The cinematography is often poorly composed and lit, but occasionally, we see a glimmer of real artistry. The story borrows from Deep Red and Four Flies of Gray Velvet and shows a real understanding of what works in those movies, but the filmmaking isn't nearly sophisticated enough to be on par with those classics.

But here's a thought: what if this movie isn't as inept as it seems? What if it's paying homage to the full depth of the giallo genre - not only the intense artistry of The Fifth Cord and Blood and Black Lace but also the low-budget, gritty incompetence of Snapshot of a Crime and The Murder Clinic? Could Five Dead on the Crimson Canvas in fact be an extremely nuanced and knowing genre parody? I might be over-thinking it.

• Star Joe Zaso was also a producer on this film, which was made by his company, Cinema Image Productions.

• The character of Inspector Andez - a rumpled, persistent older detective - was clearly based on Peter Falk's Columbo. Except that Columbo never let an amateur detective solve a case before him.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

Among the many superfluous scenes, you'll find a prolonged shower sequence, two stripteases, an S&M scene and a beat poetry slam, the latter of which provides us with the title of the film.

Here's an example of the weirdly mixed cinematography styles. People walk in and out of each others' light or forget to open to camera. Often, we'll get shots like these, where people's heads get cut off for extended periods of time:

Fashion Moment:

At least this movie knows enough to give its killer the classic giallo look:

"Some of those dreams are fantasies of revenge. Some of those dolls existed in real life."

When lawyer Reinhardt Klermer (John Harvey) is found dead in the streets of London with a doll effigy of himself nearby, Inspector Halloway (Freddie Wymark) is called to investigate. The victim's friends,  including Frank Saville (Alexander Knox), his daughter, Louise (Judy Huxtable) and her fiancee, Donald (Don Boriensko) are all questioned and no one is ruled out as a suspect. When more murders are discovered, accompanied by similar dolls, the investigation leads to Mrs. Von Sturm (Margaret Johnson), a frail, invalid doll collector with a grudge against Klermer. But how could she have committed the murders from her wheelchair? The answer to the killer's identity lies in a dark secret - can the inspector discover it before he becomes the next victim?

After reviewing a run of amateurish, artless films it's a real breath of fresh air to see a giallo made by skilled professionals. The Psychopath is gorgeous to look at, sensitively acted, beautifully paced and expertly edited to a brisk 88 minutes. There are even a few good action scenes and an explosion to punctuate the story. My only quibble is that the mystery aspect is a little weak. Suspicion is cast on several different characters throughout and the exact motivation of the killer is withheld until late in the film, but the broad strokes of the story are pretty evident early on. Still, this is definitely one worth seeking out.

• The screenplay was written by Robert Bloch, author of the book "Psycho," upon which Alfred Hitchcock based his 1960 movie. You'll see a few similarities between the Von Sturm and the Bates families.

• Perhaps the reason this movie is so beautifully shot is because it was directed by a cinematographer. Freddie Francis won two Academy Awards for Cinematography (for Sons & Lovers in 1960 and Glory in 1989) and has worked with Martin Scorsese on Cape Fear and David Lynch on The Elephant Man, Dune and The Straight Story.

• The actual cinematographer for this movie was John Wilcox, who worked on The Third Man with Orson Welles.

• When Inspector Holloway visits Mark at his job, Mark is playing a record of Mozart's Clarinet Quintet in A Major, K581, 1st movement. Shortly after Mark is seen stopping the record player, the 2nd movement starts on its own.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

This movie pays close attention to detail, so it's disappointing that they couldn't get someone to show the actors how to hold musical instruments. A music stand is shown in this very room in a later scene, but it's anyone's guess why they couldn't use it while playing.

Fashion Moment:

Take some time to luxuriate in the gorgeous camera work in this movie, starting with the Saul Bass-inspired opening credits.

"Make the shoulder pads larger."

On her way home from a photo shoot, fashion model Gloria (Theresa Leopardi) gets stranded and runs to a nearby villa for help. Inside the house she witnesses a man killing a woman with a fireplace poker as opera music blares from a nearby radio. Terrified, she dashes back to the street and collapses. When Commissioner Rizzo (Anthony Franciosa) investigates her story, he finds the long-abandoned house of Greta Stiller, a deceased fashion designer, whose estate is in contention. With no evidence of murder, the police's hands are tied, but when the killer returns to stalk Gloria and murders her friends and acquaintances, they take notice. Could the killer be Gloria's photographer, Georgio (Giancarlo Prete) or her psychiatrist, Gianmarco (Miles O'Keefe), both of whom have a connection to the Stiller home? Commissioner Rizzo will have to work fast to sew up this case!

Fashion Crimes (not to be confused with Crimes) carries on the tradition started by Blood and Black Lace, of a gritty giallo set in the refined world of high fashion. This one is well-shot, nicely acted and steadily paced, even if it is light on kills and explains away its plot inconsistencies by introducing a paranormal element at the last minute. If you're looking for a late 80's thriller with some fabulous art direction, definitely watch A Blade in the Dark. But if that's not available, give this one a spin. 

• The original Italian title La Morte E'di Moda translates as "Death is in Fashion," which I love for its clever double meaning.

• Mystery Science Theater 3000 and RiffTrax fans may recognize Miles O'Keefe from his role as pumped-up action hero Ator, "the Fighting Eagle" in a trilogy of early 80's fantasy films.

• You'll also remember Anthony Franciosa from Dario Argento's Tenebre and his long career on American TV throughout the 60's, 70's and 80's.

What the Hell am I Watching?

In one scene, we see someone flipping through the pages of an old fashion magazine to find an article about Greta Stiller. It looks like the props department got a real vintage magazine and pasted text and photos onto one of the pages, because the edges are clearly visible.

Fashion Moment:

The clothes are very of-the-moment and rather chic for the late 80's but surprisingly, fashion isn't the focus in Fashion Crimes. I was a lot more impressed by the production design and the director's choice to showcase his sets, letting the the camera luxuriate in these long wide-angle shots.

"So soft...so beautiful...so evil!"

When a fourth prostitute is knifed to death in the London streets in as many nights, Inspector Bill Rowan (Gilbert Wynne) is called to the scene to investigate. We see his passionate relationship with wife Jenny (Linda Marlowe) contrasted with the crumbling marriage of Helena (Justine Lord) and Judge Charles Lomax (Jack May), a vindictive moralist. Inspector Rowan is certain that his chief suspect, lothario Peter Laver (Donald Sumpter), is the killer and tries desperately to prove it, to the point of harassment. Meanwhile the killer keeps striking and eventually things get personal for Inspector Rowan. Is Peter really the killer? Or could it be Carter (Terry Scully), the Judge's porn-obsessed law clerk? How many will die before the killer's identity is revealed?

Night After Night After Night (not to be confused with Death Occurred Last Night) is a decent British giallo, set in the gritty world of swinging 60's London. It's definitely a "sexy" giallo, spending more time on nudity and vigorous makeout scenes than on blood and graphic violence. But rather than including sexy scenes only for prurient shock value, the movie uses them to make a serious point. In the courtroom scenes, Judge Lomax and his clerk look down their noses and angrily punish "immoral" and "permissive" behavior while repressing it in themselves until it manifests in unhealthy and violent ways and the film uses the sexy scenes to point out their hypocrisy.

• The most famous face in the cast is probably Donald Sumpter, who plays chief suspect Peter. You may know him as Maester Luwin on Game of Thrones.

• Note that three of the murders listed occur before the action of the movie starts.

• The identity of the killer is revealed about an hour into the movie but I assure you, you will have guessed his identity long before then.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

After first getting released by the police for lack of evidence, we follow Peter on a date in the country, where he steals away with a young woman.

Later, Peter is putting the moves on another woman at a bar.

Clearly, he has a weakness for women wearing yellow.

Also, let's talk about how inept the police are in this movie. Not only do they let the killer slip by on several occasions, but they spend days at a time harassing a guy who is clearly not the murderer. They do, eventually catch up to the killer at the end, but only because he's too exhausted to run.

Fashion Moment: 

I love that 1969 prostitutes dress like 21st century soccer moms.

Peter is the fashion star of the film. The movie doesn't tell us what he does for a living or when he has time for all these wardrobe changes, but each outfit is mod perfection. I especially like the fur-lined bomber jacket.

"Please, Jenny. Film making isn't hard. It's like a machine that marches on."

The cast and crew of the supernatural horror film Dirty Blood are using a local hotel as production headquarters. Love triangles, rivalries and backstage scheming plague the production, but star Jennifer (Patrizia Falcone) escapes the madness by spending time with police detective Walter (Gino Concori), who is investigating a recent series of murders. Director Frank (Maurice Poli) decides to host a real séance in order to give his film a sense of realism, but things take a dangerous and spooky turn and soon, members of the cast and crew are picked off by the killer in gruesome fashion. Could the killer be the scheming Assistant director, Robert (Pier Maria Cecchini)? Or jealous actress Liza (Silvia Conit)? Maybe a demon really was released at the séance and is responsible for the murders. It's up to Walter to find out!

Massacre (not to be confused with Crimes) is equal parts sexy and gory, as any good giallo should be. There's plenty of nudity and blood and even a few severed limbs to get the horror fans excited. After a gruesome opening scene, the first half of the film focuses on the soap opera relationships of the cast and crew of the film-within-a-film. Robert and Liza are scheming to seduce Jennifer in order to cause a scandal while Liza is having an affair with lead actor Jean (Robert Egon), who has a contentious relationship with cast mate Adrian (Danny Degli Espositi). But in the second half (after the séance scene), all that information goes out the window and it's full speed ahead - the killings ramp up and the film devolves into a series of stabbings in quick succession. By the time you know it, most of the cast is history and the whole thing ends on a giant question mark.

• This movie is clearly on-brand for director Andrea Bianchi, who made Strip Nude for Your Killer and What the Peeper Saw. It was also produced by the legendary Lucio Fulci, which explains the gore effects.

• You may remember Maurice Poli, who plays the Director, from Five Dolls for the August Moon.

• The "scene in a cemetery" in the checklist above turned out to be a movie set in the film-within-a-film, but it still counts. 

• In one scene, a policeman reports that they entered all the evidence of the murders into a computer, which concluded that they're actually dealing with two killers. The police laugh at the absurdity of this, but the computer turns out to be correct.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

 In the opening scene, the killer effortlessly dismembers a prostitute with a small hatchet like she was made of Play-Doh.

Midway through the film, Adrian puts on a show for the camera, impersonating Joel Gray, Liza Minelli, Marilyn Monroe and Marlene Dietrich. I am dying to know how any of this fits into a movie about demon rituals.

The craziest moment in this movie is obviously the séance scene, wherein Madame Yurich's face contorts and inflates as she howls and gets blown back by a gale-force wind.

Fashion Moment:

Here's a moment where a movie about making movies pays homage to a classic movie:

 Also, I love the glam silver lamé gown Jennifer gets to wear in the demon ceremony scene. Very Dana Barrett.

"The canals are an ideal place to hide. You can go all around the city incognito."

Amsterdam is being terrorized by a mysterious scuba diving serial killer, who stalks his victims from the canals and detective Eric Visser (Huub Stapel) is on the case. Eric's investigation leads him to a local diving club, where he meets beautiful novice Laura (Monique van de Ven) and her friend and psychiatrist, Martin Ruysdael (Hidde Maas). The killer keeps striking - both in daylight and under cover of night - leaving a gruesome trail of corpses. With pressure from the Commissioner and his job on the line, can Eric find the killer in time?

Amsterdamned is a fascinating Dutch take on the giallo genre. Much like The Girl Who Knew Too Much, it's part murder mystery and part travelogue, showcasing an exciting European destination. We get to see historic canals and locks, quaint houseboats, beautiful old buildings on narrow streets and even a charming brass band. But we also get to see a bloody corpse hung from a bridge get smeared across the glass roof of a tour boat full of children. It's a fun, wild ride featuring two brilliant chase scenes - one on the streets and one through the canals, ending with a massive fireball. It's a highly entertaining, well-made film full of twists, suspense and humor but, unfortunately, it all falls apart in the last five minutes. The killer's identity, motivation and ultimate fate are a giant let-down, leaving the viewer desperately unsatisfied.

• The "paranormal" element in the checklist above comes from Eric's daughter's friend, who claims to have psychic powers.

• Dick Maas not only wrote and directed this movie, he also composed the score.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

This movie is full of crazy moments. After we're treated to the aforementioned reveal of the first victim, we're introduced to Detective Eric in the bath, when his daughter creeps in, aiming a loaded gun at him. 

There's a fun Nightmare on Elm Street homage where a woman is sunbathing on an inflatable raft in a canal when the killer swims up beneath her. His knife rips through the plastic right between her knees and the camera cuts away as we hear her scream.

Also, please note that in Holland, the giallo tropes are reversed and the color yellow indicated the heroes, not the villain.

Fashion Moment:

I really dig Martin's home office and its eclectic postmodern industrial aesthetic. This guy was Niles Crane five years before Niles Crane was even a thing.

This whole plot point was lifted directly from The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, wherein an artist witnessed and painted a murder. The painting is even done in a style similar to the one in Crystal Plumage:

But let's not forget about Frank - surely we can count on a former Bond villain to wear the hell out of a white suit.

 

But her sister is the one who really shines in a chic black dress, lush leopard coat and accent jewelry.

Later at the stakeout, she adds a fashionable newsboy hat to the look.

And finally, here's a good look at the killer's mask. Kind of looks like Michael Meyers with a mustache.

Only photographer/blackmailer Paul seems to have a flair for fashion, standing out in a very 70's look with his vest, open collar and purple ascot.

"I'm not going to cover up for you this time!"

Lord Wilmore has died and left his  whole estate to his grand daughter, Gwendolin (Karin Dor), but the will is stolen and without it, the estate will be divided among Wilmore's adult children. When the thieves send a copy of the will to the Lord Wilmore's son, Richard (Sigfried Lowitz), he uses it to blackmail his siblings John (Sigfried Schürenberg) and Patricia (Ilse Steppat) - give him the majority of the inheritance or lose it all to Gwendolin. In an effort to protect her and win her favor, Patricia invites Gwendolin to stay at the Manor, which is now a girls' boarding school. When Gwendolin arrives, she learns that the house is  haunted by the ghost of a Medieval monk - and soon people start getting murdered by a whip-weilding figure in a black hood. Is the ghost of the monk really behind the killings? Or could the killer be Patricia's smarmy son, Ronnie (Hartmut Reck), who has been implicated in the disappearance of three students? Maybe it's the creepy artist who rents a room in the manor or the mysterious new French teacher? Inspector Bratt ( Harald Leipnitz) has no shortage of suspects in this case!

The Sinister Monk is brought to you by the same team that made Room 13. In fact, Rialto Films did a whole series of popular films in the 60's based on the novels of Edgar Wallace, using the same stock cast and crew. All of the films cross over into the worlds of crime dramas and drawing room mysteries, but this one stands out for its unusual costumed killer and his gruesomely original method of murder. There's a lot going on with a wide array of suspects and subplots about human trafficking and Gewndolin's father's wrongful conviction for murder, but somehow it all manages come to a satisfying conclusion.

• Just like in Room 13, the movie is in black and white but the titles are in color.

• You may recognize Mary, one of the boarding school girls, as Uschi Glas (credited as Ursula Glas). This is one of her first film roles, but she'd go on to star in one of my favorite gialli, Seven Blood-Stained Orchids.

What the Hell am I Watching?

The craziest thing in this movie is how the Monk kills his victims - he whips them from a distance, coiling the lash around the victim's neck and then yanking to break their spine. 

Also, I suspect that the taxidermy in Gwendolin's room might be a subtle homage to Psycho.

Fashion Moment:

Being the matriarch and Head Mistress of the school, Patricia is really the only one who gets to glam it up.

However in one scene, Gwendolin gets a note telling her to go to London to get proof of her wrongfully-convicted father's innocence and not to tell anyone. She complies but, remembering that several girls have been kidnapped during trips to the city, she makes sure Detective Bratt knows she's leaving the Manor wearing this suit with a bold houndstooth pattern, making it easy for the police to trail her.

"Anyway, don't worry about me. I'm learning karate this year."

Stressed out from his job, District Attorney Oscar Bataille (Fernando Ray) takes his younger wife Patricia (Marissa Mell) to a seaside resort to unwind and reconnect. But while there, each of the Batailles is distracted by a looming shadow from their past. Just as Patricia encounters former lover Wilson Vargas (Espartaco Santoni) and secretly resumes her affair, Oscar uncovers a gruesome crime scene nearly identical to the case of Jacques Morell - a killer whom Oscar convicted and had executed three years ago. Did Oscar convict the wrong man? Or is someone trying to trigger his stress further with these murders and push him over the edge? Could the killer be fellow hotel guest and playboy movie star Javier Duran (Máximo Valverde)? Oscar and the Inspector (Julián Navarro) are on the case!

If ever there was a title that over-sells the movie, it's Violent Bloodbath (not to be confused with Bay of Blood). Equal parts of soap opera and murder mystery, this obscure Spanish giallo is light on both violence and blood. The original Spanish title makes a lot more sense - Pena de Muerte translates as "Death Penalty." Overall, it's entertaining and, while it lacks some of the classic tropes, it's worth seeking out.

• The guillotine killing listed above is a flashback to the execution of Jacques Morell, which happened before the action of the movie but is shown in a flashback midway through the film.

• Marissa Mell is, of course, a giallo all-star from Marta and Perversion Story. You may recall Fernando Ray as criminal Alain Charnier in The French Connection, waving to Gene Hackman from the safety of a well-timed subway train.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

There's a party at the resort that includes a lobster-eating contest. A row of young women strip down to bikinis and chow down on lobsters as the MC shouts at them to eat faster. It's one of those great "why?" moments that randomly pop up in giallo movies.

Fashion Moment:

For most of the movie, Patricia keeps a cool exterior in fashionable daywear, often featuring high contrast stripes for a dynamic look.

But occasionally she likes to let loose with a wild floral print.

Also, a quick shout-out to The Inspector, whose wardrobe is giving us the full Larry Dallas.

"I hate planning for anything. Studies, love..."

While hunting down smugglers, a UNESCO agent (Nino Castelnuovo) discovers a crate of wine bottles filled with human blood. Elsewhere, Alfiero (Claudio Biava) drives around the countryside rounding up random strangers - a drunk, a prostitute, a Romani girl and a pair of hippy hitchhikers - and brings them back to the estate owned by his sister Nina (Mariana Malfatti) and her scientist husband Antonio (Enzo Tarascio). Max the hippy (George Willing) and his girlfriend (Daniella Carolli) soon get creepy vibes from Antonio's collection of macabre robots, Nina's talk of developing a master race of supermen and the sudden disappearance of the Romani girl (Barbara Marzano). What grisly experiments is Antonio really working on? Is Nina a vampire? And will the UNESCO agent solve the case before more people die?

The Bloodstained Lawn (not to be confused with The Bloodstained Shadow, The Bloodstained Butterfly or Seven Bloodstained Orchids) is a wild ride and, to be honest, I hesitated before adding it to the list. It does technically meet all four of my criteria but, while a lot of gialli find a foundation in gothic horror, this film seems to find its inspiration the world of science fiction. The film abounds with crazy nonsense moments, absurd mis-directs and laughable effects. Very little of it makes sense, but if you enjoyed the insanity of Spasmo, you might really like this one.

• The film begins with a title pop song over the opening credits - highly unusual for a giallo.

• Please note that seven of the deaths listed in the body count listed above occur before the action of the movie starts. These were the bodies discovered in the basement freezer late in the film.

• The title has nothing to do with the plot, but when Max & his girlfriend are hitchhiking, she remarks on a beautiful field of red flowers and he replies that it looks like a bloodstained lawn.

• Even though the cast is very small, only a few of the characters actually get names.

• Despite the film being a hot mess, the cast features some real talent. You may recognize Marina Malfatti from The Red Queen Kills Seven Times, Enzo Tarascio from The Designated Victim and both George Willing and Dominique Boschero from Who Saw Her Die?

What the Hell am I watching?

A lot of the craziest moments involve the characters being very comfortable with nudity, so there won't be photos. But I must mention the naked, drunken go go party that takes place in a hall of mirrors and the odd shower scene where wine starts pouring out of the shower head instead of water.

Here's a look at the absurd-looking killer robot that Nina tries to pass as a piece of modern sculpture. It looks like a giant beer keg with a super hero cape.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the retractable arm of the robot looks a lot like the spiked glove in Blood and Black Lace.

Fashion Moment:

Antonio immediately telegraphs his eccentricity (if not lunacy) with his outrageous choice of neckwear. We learn midway through the movie that these are actually straight ties, which he knots into ridiculous floppy bows.

Rich and bored Nina is a fashion standout, especially in this evening gown with a JLo neckline.

Nina apparently outfits all of her guests with new clothes for the aforementioned go go party. They're all looking rather sharp before things get wild.

"It's always shadows for me."

Behind the scenes of a busy television studio, amid the chaos of performers and crew, production assistant Lia (Auretta Gay) discovers a dead body in a storage room - but by the time she calls people over to show them, the body has disappeared! Intern Sandro (Pietro Brambilla), dancer Annie (Barbara d'Urso) and blind phone operator Ely (Margarita Sestito) resolve to help Lia find the truth. But as they investigate, the killer strikes again and again, murdering anyone who gets too close to the truth  and collecting evidence of the crimes. Who could the killer be? Can the team find out before the murderer does them in?

Crime in Via Teulada (not to be confused with Crimes) was originally aired on Italian TV as a serialized segment on the show "Variety" - the same show depicted in the movie. It appeared over 15 episodes, each about five minutes long and was later edited together for a video release. Because of this unusual structure, there's not a lot of time for introducing and establishing characters but, on the upside, it means there's a murder scene, chase or suspenseful moment every few minutes. Though it doesn't stand up to the genre's greats, it's an interesting experiment in the giallo form and worth checking out.

• The killer's motive - to find and hide an incriminating diary - is clearly lifted from Blood and Black Lace. Also, the behind the scenes showbiz setting is similar to Dario Argento's Opera, which would come out a few years later.

• Director Aldo Lado made his name as the director of Short Night of the Glass Dolls,Who Saw Her Die? and, much later, Circle of Fear. 

• Throughout the film, we see crew testing out special effects tricks - getting stabbed, impaled with a sword, and dropping a mannequin from a rooftop. All those same effects are later used at some point by the filmmakers of Crime in Via Teulada to kill off characters. It's rather meta.

• The original title was Giallo a Striscio, which translates as "A Smear of Yellow." 

What the Hell am I Watching?

In order to hide one of the victim's bodies, the killer shrink wraps her onto a board and places her among a group of prop statues. One can't help but make comparisons to Han Solo in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back, which was released the same year as Crime in Via Teulada.

Fashion Moment

Here's a look at the dancers' Vegas-style costumes on the set of "Variety."

Notice that the logo for "Variety" is identical to the masthead for the American entertainment newspaper of the same name.

Also, a shout out to Annie for this cool hooded leather coat.

"The longer the hair, the stupider you get."

A prominent London businessman is found in a hotel room with a knife through his heart and a mysterious glass eyeball nearby and, the next day, showgirl Laila (Heidrun Hankammer), who was with the victim at the time, is found dead backstage. Inspector Perkins (Horst Tappert) is on the case, with the help of the libidinous Sir Arthur (Hubert von Meyerinck) and squeaky-voiced Sergeant Pepper (Fitz Wepper). But the investigation soon uncovers a sinister plot involving organized crime, human trafficking and drug smuggling. Who is the mysterious masked vigilante killing off members of the cartel? What dark secrets is showgirl Yvonne hiding? And will Scotland Yard be able to stop the sinister plot in time?

The Man With the Glass Eye (not to be confused with The Man With Icy Eyes or Eyes of Crystal or Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll) is the 14th and final adaptation in Rialto Films' Edgar Wallace series and viewers will recognize familiar tropes from the other films: organized crime, hidden rooms, backstage theater drama, and devious upper-class criminals. This one is really more krimi than giallo, but the presence of a masked killer blurs the genre lines a bit. It's a fast-paced crime caper with a complex plot, some good action scenes, a bit of humor and a satisfying ending. 

• I've checked "Inept Police" above, despite the fact that the police solve the crime and save the day. This is in regards to Sir Arthur, who recommends the wrong course of action at every turn. The case is solved by going against his instincts.

• Out of everyone in the cast, viewers outside of Germany might recognize Fitz Wepper (Yvonne's boyfriend Bruce) as Fritz Wendel in the 1972 film adaptation of Cabaret. 

• There are actually lots of glass eyes in this movie. There's the crime boss, who has a literal glass eye who hides out in a billiard hall called "The Glass Eye." The killer, is also shown with one white eye and the pass key to get into the smugglers lair is a glass marble, painted to look like an eyeball, which lots of people (including one child) have in their possession. The title might also refer to the cameras that the mobsters have hidden around the billiard hall.

What the Hell am I Watching?

Along with the Las Vegas Girls and Rubiro the knife thrower, one of the acts in the nightclub show is a nosy ventriloquist with a truly disturbing dummy.

Late in the movie, the killer wears the dummy head as a mask while taking out a victim.

Fashion Moment

The Las Vegas Girls official color seems to be teal. we see them wearing it on and off stage.

Here we see Lailawearing the poisoned mask.

And, finally a look at the killer's outfit - a classic giallo look except for the white mask, which seems to be a staple of this Rialto Films series.